What makes a person a biker? Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong made the saying, “If you have to ask, you’ll never know”, famous and I think that saying works right and proper for this question. I also think some bikers take the whole subject way too seriously and need to lighten up. I mean, if some dork wants to say heâs a biker and heâs not causing you any problems, what do you care? Still, Iâm going to tell you a few truths, as I see them anyway, about what a biker is. First of all, itâs not just one thing; itâs a mixed bag of things. Biker is more than a label and itâs more than what you ride and how you dress. Itâs also how you think and what you know, itâs being recognized as a biker by citizens, itâs when many of your peers are bikers, but by and large itâs when you live and breathe the biker lifestyle. In the tradition of Jeff Foxworthyâs âYou Might be a Redneckâ one-liners, here are some other clues:
If the people you work with know you ride a bike even if you donât ride it to work, you might be a biker.
If you have skulls or Live to Ride, Ride to Live tattooed on your arms, you might be a biker.
If you wear leather to a formal social event, you might be a biker.
If you wear huge rings on many fingers at a time, you might be a biker.
If you cut the sleeves off your brand new shirt before you wear it, you might be a biker.
If your idea of chaps is to condition a pair of jeans by smearing grease, catsup or unmentionable products on them until theyâre stiff, you might be a biker.
If your idea of filling the ice chest is to open your saddle bags and dump in beer and ice, you might be a biker.
If you hear someone say, âT N Tâ, and think of riding a bike from tavern to tavern rather than dynamite, you might be a biker.
If youâve ever put your kid between you and your old lady and given him a ride on your bike â without a helmet, you might be a biker.
If you know that a scooter is not a kidâs toy, but an endearing term for your bike, you might be a biker.
If you hear a cowboy talking about entering a barrel race and youâre confused because you know thatâs an event where you push a barrel down a road with your Harley while a group of filthy bikers cheer you on, you might be a biker.
If youâve ever put your old lady on the back of your bike so she could stand on the foot pegs and bite a mustard covered weenie, you might be a biker.
If your idea of bowling is to pack your old lady on the back of your bike so she can lean over and roll a bowling ball down a dirt lane to knock the pins down, you might be a biker.
If you wear a cut-off that hasnât been washed since 1972 and is covered in filthy patches, you might be a biker.
If you call your vest a cut-off, you might be a biker.
If you take your wife to work on the back of a motorcycle, you might be a biker.
If you have a tattoo that says, âProperty ofâ¦â tattooed on your body, you might be a biker bitch.
If youâve ever parked a motorcycle in your house, you might be a biker.
If your idea of a swell honeymoon is to camp in a tent at a biker rally, you might both be bikers.
If your idea of the perfect wedding clothes are your leathers, you might be a biker.
If your idea of yard work is to clear the bike parts off the greasy driveway to make room for more bikes, you might be a biker.
If you ever cleaned bike parts in the kitchen sink, you might be a biker.
If youâve ever rebuilt a carburetor on the kitchen table, you might be a biker.
If youâve ever built a chopper in your living room, you might be a biker.
If you ride it like you stole it, you might be a biker.
If your idea of church is to go to a club meeting, you are definitely a biker and probably a 1%er!
Living the biker lifestyle doesnât mean you have to be a motorcycle club member or belong to a motorcycle riding organization. A woman can be a biker even if she doesnât ride her own and it doesnât mean she gave up her independence when she climbed on the back of a bike. In fact, she gained some freedom; she can drink beer, she can rubberneck and look at scenery and if she has something to say to her olâ man she only has to lean forward. Women should practice caution, though, and only ride behind a rider who they know is a real biker who knows what heâs doing. Certainly donât ride behind a Wannabe, be particularly careful riding on the back of a Weekend Warriorâs motorcycle and never let a Born Again Biker pack you anywhere. Another hard and fast rule is that a man should never ride on the back unless itâs a dire emergency or heâs madly in love with the fella in front and lives in San Francisco.
Many Weekend Warriors think theyâre bikers because they own a bike. Dangerous among them are the Born Again Bikers who recently returned to riding after a long period of absence and really should have relearned how to ride before they got back on the road. These are the motorcycle operators who get out into traffic and do the death grip with their head rigidly facing forward and their eyes seeing nothing except whatâs straight ahead of them. What’s more, they are so afraid of getting hurt that they become safety Nazis, neurotic about always wearing a full kit and fanatical about obeying all posted speed limits. These are not Real Bikers and my husband and I stay away from the big rallies like Laughlin River Run and Sturgis because they attract these types of motorcycle owners like flies to a steaming pile of dog poop. Weekend Warriors and Born Again Bikers love big rallies. Often known as Whores (We Haul Our Rides Everywhere), they bring their Trailer Queen motorcycles with them in expensive enclosed trailers. While their bike is important to them, it is only a toy to show off rather than a part of their lifestyle. Thatâs not to say that if youâre packing your old lady to a run and itâs a long way off, a biker canât run it up into the back of his pickup and tow a travel trailer to the run. Weâve done that ever since we went to a rally on our honeymoon six years ago and slept on the cold hard ground â old age can be a bitch and sleeping on the ground wasnât quite as comfy as it was when we were young and intoxicated before we rolled into a bag on the ground for the night.
Then thereâs the unfortunate Wannabes. These people are really just groupies who live vicariously through other bikers, pretending they are bikers. Wannabes want to be, but they arenât. They donât ride or even own a bike, although they act as though they do. They always seem to hang around where other bikers are. They wear what they think bikers wear or they wear black clothes and t-shirts with biker sayings or Harley logos. Of course they have the requisite leather jacket, too. These people seem to have an uncanny knack for knowing which bike is the best, whether there should be helmet laws and they hang around bike runs like true believers. Iâve seen many women who are just as guilty of this although they pretend theyâre biker bitches, wearing their trendy biker trash clothes bought at the local Harley Boutique, sashaying around the dirty bikers, hoping to get a ride on the back of their bikes. They show an abundance of cleavage and butt cheeks and temporarily lose their conventional standards of sexual principles, treating a run like a visit to Vegas; What Happens at a Run Stays at a Run. These women wouldnât be caught dead actually dating or marrying a real biker, they just get off on the bad guys and the bike rides they get.
Biker husbands are a breed all their own and there are good ones and bad ones, rough ones and civilized ones. I happen to be married to one of the rough ones. Heâs semi-civilized, what they call an Old Graybeard Biker who has old school ways and has been around, but heâs a good one. Many bikers not only have wives and families but, contrary to what some folks believe, put their families before their bikes. Even clubbers are good husbands and family men â one of our closest friends, âDâ, is one of the best grandpas I know and heâs been a 1% MC member his entire adult life. It helps if youâre open-minded, not afraid to take risks and okay with living an unconventional lifestyle if youâre going to marry a real biker. The ultimate compliment my husband pays to a woman is when he says, âSheâd really make a great olâ lady for some bikerâ. To be a great olâ lady you must be a woman who would rather share your manâs passion for adventure instead of sitting at home watching TV; just read about living with a Down and Dirty Biker Husband before you tie the knot and you should be okay.
A true biker, married or single, may and often does have more than one bike. A good friend and biker buddy of ours once said while once looking over my husbandâs chopper, âI think every fella ought to own a road bike and a chopperâ. Often, unless heâs rolling in money, a guy who owns both probably has a home-built chopper that was born in his garage. Take a look at The Horse Back Street Choppers, a cool biker magazine, devoted primarily to garage chops and you can see how many guys still build choppers on their own. A real biker is not the type to pay exorbitant sums to a Master Builder to build his chopper, but more likely to build it in his garage or home shop. Some have even been known to have built them in their living room; my husband can be counted among them.
The nitty gritty is that the true biker has a passion for bikes â period. If a true bikerâs scoot sits for more than a week he will develop Parked Motorcycle Syndrome (or PMS) and there has to be some damned extenuating circumstances for that to happen. Illness is not usually an excuse for not riding; Iâve known of guys who rode with a cast on their leg! Personally, I can be a bit under the weather or feeling out of sorts and Iâll get on the back of the Harley or the chopper and as soon as the wind hits me in the face I feel better. I experience a feeling thatâs so enjoyable itâs akin to the pure joy I see on Dog Boyâs face when he sticks his head out of the window of the truck going down the freeway; true bikers feel this. Their bike is more important than their automobile, sometimes referred to as a cage because it doesnât generate the same feeling of freedom as a motorcycle.
The last hard and fast rule is that no matter who is or who is not a biker, whenever you see a bike rider, regardless of what he or she is riding or what he or she is wearing, it is the ultimate in bad biker etiquette if you donât give them The Wave. The true biker hangs on to this time-honored custom. It is a simple lifting of the left hand to greet a bike rider traveling in the opposite direction. Itâs more that a greeting, itâs an acknowledgment of a riding brotherhood. The wave is given below or straight out from the handlebars. Do it for all motorcycle riders whoever they might be and, live to ride, ride to live.
Peace to you all whatever you may choose,
Nancy Frye-Swope âThe Retired Biker Housewifeâ
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